Extract from Serbian Nocturnal Sheriffs,
(Read at ICFA – International Conference for the Fantastic in the Arts, March, 2010)
It’s already close to midnight as I walk towards Nevena’s house and heavy thoughts came swimming towards me like semen in a vagina. Fucking hell. So many things happened in such a short time, that I honestly feel hazy. First the old house with that now-crispy vampire, then the motel and Ivo (whom I hadn’t seen in ages), a sudden vampire attack, the retaliation assault, and the reason for the uneasy feeling in my chest – Kristina. This would make a drunk sober in an instant. It’s good I don’t drink that much, or I would be crying. Then again, the night just began.
The grey road is empty, a car or a tractor passing by every so often. Being that this is a village, there are no road lamps, and no sidewalk, just asphalt and little gravel. Lights from the nearby houses illuminate the road, but not much. In my infinite wisdom, I chose to walk instead of drive. If there was a wall nearby, I would bang my head on it. But it’s mostly trees and bushes. The silence is chased away with the snapping flutter of wings from numerous bats, like they were on acid, or maybe they were just running from Ozzy? Acid head, biting acid heads? What the fuck am I thinking? The dogs bark somewhere in the distance. And a pair of owls that irritate me with their hooting voices, sitting on a branch next to each other. Eat some mice, bitches, instead of looking like Cheech and Chong without a bong.
I’m glad that tonight at least I’m off from the slaying business. I mean, there are just so many decapitations I can handle, so many shootings, stabbings and burnings. Just so many, before I feel like a pregnant woman in labor, ready to rip the doctor’s head off, beat the ever-living shit out my husband for doing this to me, and there is this irritating feeling like I’m constipated, and the goddamn drug is nowhere in sight for the indigestion.
I’m kind of divided. Do I feel like I’m ready to pop, or do I feel like I deserve to be popped? What happened two nights ago still is branded quite vividly into my brain. I just cannot seem to shake it. I look to the zit-infected sky, and that giant zit is just staring at me. ‘What-a fuck are you looking at?’ I stare at that glowing acne bulge. It gives me an accusing stare like it knows, it knows, it knows… I pull out my hiding pistol Atrophy from my tanned leather jacket. The leather smells so good.
‘Stare at this,’ I say through my gritting teeth, as the Atrophy spews its chocked words THRO-THRO-THRO-THRO.
It’s still staring. ‘I’ll get you one day.’ I make a slit-throat motion before returning the sidearm to the holster. Too bad the sword had to stay at my house. Don’t get me wrong. People around here believe in vampires. I wouldn’t know why they shouldn’t; I mean the first story I ever heard wasn’t about three little pigs or some bullshit like that. My old granny was my source of knowledge with this everyday occurrence. She knew all about the faeries and ‘small people’, and she never said anything about them being faerie tales. She made sure I understood that it was all real.
Now, I cannot blame the rest of the farmers here – some of them believe, others don’t, but at least they don’t have to worry, because there is someone to worry for them – me. Anyway, if I was carrying an AK-47, no one would say a word, it would be like I was drinking a beer, but a sword? Now that’s when even the oblivious become aware. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t have other items, such as my other sidearm on the right hip or the long kukri knife that rests behind my back. Hack’em if you got ‘em.
I slipped up, I faltered and strayed. Now there’s no going back, not after what I’ve done. The worst thing isn’t the fact that I did it, but that I enjoyed it. If I didn’t enjoy it, I would be somewhat guilt-free. It wasn’t my fault. I am a fucking hypocrite; of course it was. My fault I feel dirty, but there is nothing on me. Where in the fuck are Vampires when you need them I didn’t take my medication – again. Just lovely, things are getting better and better. And they really know when to become the best.
‘So who won?’ a female voice says behind me.
‘It’s tied,’ I say, turning around, already knowing who it is.
‘Mhh. I heard people bark at the moon, scream at it, but you’re the first to argue.’ The voice is soft like the grass whisper.
‘I’m always first, Nevena.’
‘Not yet, you ain’t.’
‘Rub it in.’
‘Someday I might.’ She laughs; her laughter sounds like droplets of rain falling on to the lake surface.
Nevena just stands there at first, arms crossed, and then she rushes towards me, her long chocolate hair fluttering as she jumps on me with arms around my neck, and her legs around my waist, her quivering lips tracing against my bruised cheek, stopping at my mouth. I feel the heat of her body surrounding me. I return the kiss, her lips tasting like cigarette smoke; I inhale in an attempt to draw a good drag, the air from her mouth more powerful than nicotine. My hands enclose around her petite waist and I set her down, staring down to meet her sparkling eyes. I am lost in her.
She seems so brittle, delicately high as my chest. The ripped dark blue pants reveal athletic thighs and melon sized buttocks, the black ‘Blizzard of Ozz’ shirt outlines the not-so endowed breasts, but her smile is the one feature that always enchants me. She has insanely white teeth, but the thing that for some reason sets my engine roaring, like a tied mustang, always ready to break the fence, is the tooth.
It looms defiantly, moving away from the line, resting on its own. Shining, defying like an iceberg, its pointy end is sharply shouting. It is there, like a lost fan in the bleachers of a soccer game, enticing a fight. At the same time, it is protected by her upper lip, like a warm blanket. Every time she smiles, it just calls me to kiss her, and when I’d kiss her, it would massage my lip, sending that tingling feeling.
‘My lil’ vampire,’ I say, touching with my pinky her K-nine tooth. She wrinkles her nose, but continues smiling.
‘I won’t let you stab me just yet,’ she says, petting my cheek.
‘I don’t stab, I decapitate.’
‘That’s not what I mean.’ She lowers her head, hiding that toothy grin of hers.
‘Who’s thinking ‘bout sex now?’ My eyes narrow.
‘Fuck you.’ She shows me the finger.
‘I already…Know someone…’ That was close; I need to tie my tongue in a knot.
‘Hey!’ She points the finger at me, poking my chest.
‘Maybe I should.’
‘Whatever,’ she says, shaking her head.
I decide to change the subject; this is getting too tense. ‘What you doin’ here?’
‘Waiting for you.’ She encloses her arms around me, resting her head on my chest.
‘You have weapons?’
Out of her back pocket she pulls out a butterfly knife I gave her last year for protection. Two concentric moves and it’s open, light from the giant zit reflecting on its glassy blade.
Her eyes glare at me. ‘You have weapons?’
‘You were sayin’?’ She shakes her head. I smile, and without taking my eyes off of her, my left arm comes in an arc, grabbing her forearm, keeping it away from my body I step towards her, pressing her body against mine as my right arm goes across her chest. A slight hip turn and I slowly bring her down on the ground.
‘You have weapons?’ I kneel on top of her. For a second she seems disoriented, but she recuperates, raising her head and kissing me on the lips again, smiling.
‘Hey,’ I say, waving my right pointer as I bring her up. ‘Fucking sun, Nevena.’
‘What? There are no Vampires here. Not this close.’
‘Nothing.’ She pulls out a pack of Marlboro Red’s from her jeans, and lights a cigarette, a white stream of smoke escaping her lips.
‘Nothing?’ I join her smoking endeavor with my grandfathers’ homemade one.
‘Yeah, Kristina says hi.’
I almost choke on the smoke, my lungs hurting. The images of Kristina’s naked body spring in my mind. Her jasmine scent, her nipples tasting like jolly ranchers, her peach tasting… I shake my head, but the memory is still there, my body remembers.
She laughs, slapping my back as I cough. ‘She called me like yesterdayish.’
‘Really. Any reason?’ Kristina you better not fucked it up.
‘No, just seemed very happy.’ Nevena blows a long cloud of smoke.
‘Really?’ I felt like someone drove an icy pipe in my chest. Some invisible weight descended, resting on my shoulders, making my muscles wobble, drying out saliva. What in the bleeding cunt should I say? How in the bloody fuck should I say this?
‘Nevena I –.’ Kristina’s body against mine.
‘Mhm, I personally think she got banged.’ Nevena’s eyes focus on some distant spot.
‘Nev, I need to –.’ Kristina’s breath on my face.
‘I can always tell. There’s this… feeling…’
‘I don’t know how –.’ Her full breasts.
‘It’s like a small spark, it’s in the voice, it’s…’
‘It was my fault that – .’ Jasmine scent, jasmine scent…
‘I was tired and I –.’ The warm lips on my…
‘Strayed… I… Couldn’t –‘ Begging for more…
‘Help myself –.’ The honey hair rolling over my stomach…
‘I slept –.’ She is on top of me…
‘That’s why we’re doing it next week.’
‘With –.’ What did she say just now?
‘What? You slept with?’ She snaps to attention, her eyes could smolder the sun.
‘Ha?’ I feel like I’m flying; now I’m falling head first on the cement floor.
‘You said you slept with…’ Her head tilts down, hands go behind her back. Oh, she will reach for the blade. Fucking irony, I am getting skewered with my own blade.
‘I slept, aa, with thoughts of you, naked, naked.’
This is it, she’ll fling it out, and I’ll not defend myself. I have this thing coming.
Her eyes are still dangerously tilted down; she licks her lips. Her hands return fast from behind her back. Here it is.
I close my eyes; at least I don’t have to see it coming. I wish that I’ve faced a hundred High Masters than going through this. I hear a recognizable noise, and open my eyes to welcome it.
The black Zippo lighter flints the flame on, the flame kissing the fresh cigarette in her mouth. I didn’t register when she finished smoking her first cigarette so it would seem.
‘You pervert.’ She comes closer, slapping my cheek gently, and giving me a shotgun smoke through her kiss. My mouth’s full of smoke, it tastes so much better coming from her.
‘I am – a.’
‘One lucky son of a bitch, you’ll stop wet dreaming leather boy.’ She giggles slapping my ass. ‘Let’s go, my dad wants to ask you somethin’.’ She starts walking without a care in the world, cutting across a grass covered field, leaving the road behind.
I’m standing feeling like dog shit that someone urinated on, probably a dog with an erection. Dog with an erection? What da fuck am I talking about? I’m feeling butt naked, and like someone just spanked me. My stare lost as if some aliens abducted my nuts. Wait a second, what the hell do aliens need my testicles for? Maybe they were squirrels, with that memory flashing thingy from Man in Black. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m smoking some fucked up weed, and this is just a dream? The squirrels were aliens in disguise. Are you crazy? Abso-fucking-lutely. Aliens were squirrels in disguise. It’s a full moon, I’m losing it.
You know that feeling when you do something and you try to fix it, but you delay it, and it’s eating you inside? Well, this is worse. No vampire ever scared me as bad as Nevena just did. I at least have the balls to admit it, so everyone just shut up. I know what you’re thinking – like this could get any worse?
Nevena turns around, staring at frozen me. ‘Are you comin’?’
‘Already? Ha ha ha.’ Her laughter resonates in the night, as my sexy walk of a zombie goes towards her. I’m still left with the secret, but I tried to say it. But if I say it, no Nevena, if I don’t say it…fuuuck. Am I fixing everything, or am I making it worse? Ask me later, right now, fuck if I know. But what I do know isn’t good.
Bucket of cold realization sweeps over me, turning into a sauna like sweat, ready to start dripping, to start soaking my clothes. Given my transfixed state, I’m glad that I still have some senses working, even if my common sense is in short supply in recent days. The senses start blaring alarm, that deep ice cube of anticipation sliding down my back. My eyes bounce like a ball in a pinball machine, sweeping the area quickly. Tree, tree, house, house, field, tractor, fucking owl, running figure. Running figure?
The shape is a distant smudge, but the smudge is growing, like an ink leak on the paper. It’s fast, too fast too fast for a human. It’s coming straight at us.
‘Nev, watch out!’ I manage to say before my jacket falls on the ground, and my hand reaches for the long slanted comfort of a kukri blade hanging behind my back. The weight of the blade feels so right in my hand.
‘Wha…,’ she starts saying, until she sees me crouching in the combat stance, her head jerks towards the front, spotting the speeding silhouette.
‘Get down!’ Kukri escapes the hold of my hand with high velocity, like a severing omen spinning in a decapitating arc. Nevena drops down, blade passing a mere second later, where her head was, slicing into the neck of the now falling body. A fucking vampire!
I run over to Nevena, her face stretched, trying to understand what just happened. I already know what’s going on, because there are two more coming our way. A large vehicle cutting the distance down on them, light beams from the roof searching for what I’ve found, or what has found us, to be exact. Sadly, they’re still far away, which means everything is on us two.
I pull out Anemia from my hip holster. ‘Nev, remember?’ She nods her head in affirmation, taking the pistol, chambering a bullet with a quick suggestive stroke on the pistol slide, winking at me. For a second I’m taken aback, realizing just how awesome she is. I met people who pissed themselves at the first sign of trouble, and they were men. And a short girl has more balls than all of them combined. If we weren’t in this situation I would’ve told her ‘Fuck next week; we’re doing it right now!’
She kneels down, aiming the pistol towards the vampire on the right, her eyes glimmer for a second, the ancient fire of her family lit. I can feel something glowing inside of her, but I can’t place it in words. Nevena, you fucking rock. I retrieve my blade from the headless man-horse-vampire. Sleepy Hollow my ass. Atrophy is already getting ready for some sensible violence.
Anemia pukes out its mercury rounds. THRO-THRO-THRO-THRO-THRO The green laser beam guides vicious hits to the center mass of the vampire on the right, but he’s still coming. This’ll be interesting. Atrophy joins in but misses, the motherfucker manages to dodge the first spray of hungry mercury bullets. But the second spray lodges in his head, blood pouring like from a punctured, blood filled balloon, as he collapses temporarily.
Anemia clicks empty, and I step in front of Nevena to become a shield of flesh, while she ejects the magazine, and grabs a new one from my belt. Atrophy releases its final load of the mercury dogs of war, chewing into the calves, fragmenting the bone, ripping through the ligaments and spraying blood in the process of the vampire on the right. He yelps sounding like someone struck him with a hammer in the nuts, yet he still attempts to tackle me. I jump at least three feet above ground falling on top of his back. He spares a glance at Nevena, and she just smiles, as the kukri slices down with almost no resistance, head rolling off his shoulders. Then I get thrown to the right, as something slams into me, sends me sprawling.
I lose Atrophy (that would do me no good anyway), but the knife I firmly latch on. The grass greets me as I skid on the ground, feeling like a falling plane diving down nose first. For a moment my vision gets blurry, but I have no time for it, I spring back on my legs wishing that I didn’t. The worst image I could see is in front me. The motherfucker has her.
His long fingers are wrapped around her neck like steel barbwire. She’s suspended in the air, her eyes wailing up. But I know that she’s struggling to breathe. He looks at me; his eyes are two white circles, like eyes of those two fucking staring owls. However his nose is gone, as well as half of his jaw and teeth, thanks to the devastating bullets. I don’t want to see how the back of his head looks like.
‘Easy, let her down, and go,’ I say, cursing myself for coming ill equipped. I mean no fucking armor, no shotgun, no sword and no back up. Hey, it could be worse, I could have all that and just like the French surrender to the enemy. Right now, either way, my options are grim. I can try to throw the kukri again, but he might use Nevena as a shield, but if I do nothing both of us are beyond screwed. Fuck my luck!
Then something unexpected happens. Before I can even register what exactly is going on, Nev reaches behind her back and there’s a loud crack. The butterfly knife is all the way in the vampire’s head, the knife point sticking from where his long nose used to be. He lets her go, to hold his face, just in time for Nev to bring the fully loaded Anemia straight up pulling the trigger. His scull literally caves in as she unloads the whole clip. No more eyes, no more face, just a see-through window to the other side. He falls on his knees just in time for me to run up and decollate his head off, and the body collapses twitching.
‘Nev –.’ I come closer, kneeling in front of her, dropping the knife.
‘Fine…I’m OK,’ she says; and actually smiles, wrapping her arms around me, rubbing her bosom into my face. Oh she smells so good. I can hear her heart thumping wild, erratic. She got frightened but she refuses to show it. We separate and I get up, looking at her neck, long white marks from vampire fingers turning red. I lean and kiss her, she responds in kind, after which she buries her face close to my neck, her warm breath feeling so good. I realize I have my eyes closed longer then I wanted them to be. As I open them, I don’t like what I’m seeing.
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